C.N.P Poetry 

  • Cathexis Northwest Press

Passing the Ghost of John Berryman en route to the 4th floor of Martin Army Hospital

By: Adam Bender


Everyone

will know

what floor I’m

going to based on

my sweaty, anxious appearance of

a wild-eyed candy man lost in a world

of sweets and sours and all of the eyes in

the elevator stare when I press four, so I take the stairs

My

hands are

no longer my

body’s. They shake like

independent tambourines

without zills, I can’t stop them,

just like the thoughts, images, words, and

that continual hum-hum-humming inside my mind

like a design-flawed train propelled by a drunken conductor

who said fuck the last stop we’re off the goddamned rails anyhow

The stairs

are lonely, forgotten,

and wanting to be warmed by

connection and it’s only the lunatics that

don’t use elevators these days, but the stairs don’t mind

because they are unjudging and don’t care what floor of the

hospital I came from or which one I’m going to and sometimes when

I’m going up the stairs I pass a fellow haunted ghost coming down, memory-pale

with medicatedly-still hands and we silently share knowing nods while smiling mimicked normalcy




Adam Bender is a graduate of Auburn University where he currently serves as an assistant editor for The Southern Humanities Review and is actively seeking enrollment into an MFA program. After spending 21 years in the US Army, he retired in Alabama where he resides with his wife of 24 years and an eighty-five-pound lapdog. Most importantly, he is the proud grandfather of a 15-month-old firebrand named Paislee Lynn Bender and believes that the active ingredient in Magic Erasers is in fact, magic.


"Veteran suicide has been at an all-time high for the last few years which spurred the Department of Defense to make mental health a priority in its service branches. For this endeavor to be successful, a cultural shift was needed where seeking help was no longer regarded as a weakness or detrimental to one’s career. For the most part, the endeavor has been successful, but there is still some reluctance to seek help based on the desire to not appear “weak.” I was one such soldier, though now retired, and this poem encapsulates one of my experiences of visiting a Mental Health Outpatient Clinic. In the poem I had hoped to demonstrate a recognizable need for help, the shame we can feel in doing so, and the unspoken camaraderie between those of us who choose to confront our demons.


As to the form of the poem, I wanted it to resemble stairs that would lead the eye, but it also helps to compartmentalize the internal and external conflicts taking place. The left side of the page (stanzas one and three) is most of the external action, while the right side holds the internal. Punctuation is used sparingly to control the pacing of the poem with only a few complete stops to allow the speaker a momentary respite to “catch his breath” before continuing.


The title was important to me. It serves as a key to really understanding the poem. John Berryman’s Dream Songs is one of the most prolific works I have ever read and his struggles with mental health are well documented. Like some of Berryman’s work, this poem is a confessional and I wanted to show my respect to his work for giving me the courage and inspiration to write it. In some of the previous drafts, the “haunted ghost” coming down the stairs was not mentioned, and I toyed with the notion of allowing the tone of the poem to act as the ghost. In the end I decided against it because I did not want a ghost in the title without a ghost appearing in the lines. It is one of the few poems I have written where the lines were created after the title instead of vice versa."

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