By: Matthew Daley
you took African American studies
but don’t have to recount quotes from
the texts on the syllabus and if she is
unfamiliar with some of the facts and
figures you deftly absorbed on your
path to clarity it’s only because they
don’t teach real history in the city
public schools because knowing is
not half the battle - it’s the war
don’t ask mid Turkey Day meal how
she feels about the food served at
your family’s feast because you won’t
like the dry-as-the-turkey look she
gives and before you think to reply
with “put some gravy on everything”
it’s not your job to remind her how
to hide disappointment since this
table ain’t her too america
you don’t have to insist on sitting
front row opening night of any
film with a black lead or even one
with a black supporting cast not
reduced to fixing the renewed white
girl’s hair on her way to the alter nor
can you fault her for not wanting to
stay in for your early Singleton binge
when she just wants a chance to laugh
though you grew up told your opinion
matters the fact is in certain moments
like when she’s with her friends and
has opened the circle to you it’s best
you use your ears and head nod and not
that mouth you feel endowed to use
like a first world faucet no not this
time because what you say will reinforce
all the side eye she has to absorb
when you’re trying to defy the rhythm
gods at her best friend from back in the day’s
wedding reception and Michael Jackson
comes in right after the remix to Ignition
keep your feet shuffling and fingers snapping
the beat because it’s not the time to talk
cancel culture and bring the party to a halt
so you can remind anyone in ear shot how
hot songs are not a victimless crime
you don’t understand so don’t think or god
forbid say you know what she’s going through
like you’re living some reality TV version
of Black Like Me because your fantasy has you
speechifying I Have a Dream or crying out
By Any Means Necessary and carried over
a sea of equality when all she wants to do
is get through each day without choosing
each word like it’s a matter of life or death
Matthew Daley has written commercials, documentaries, graphic novels, and the recent collection The Poet’s Guide to Basketball. He has taught every level from 5th grade through Graduate School, always finding ways to sneak great poetry into his curriculum. He's a father of three, husband of one, and a terrible singer/dancer who tries to turn many of his moments into a musical. His poetry can be found in 34th Parallel Magazine, Neologism, Detritus, The Cabinet of Heed, The Green Light, Forever Endeavor, Necro, Unlost Journal, and The Caterpillar.
"Marriage is a high-wire act, regardless of each spouse's background. It's a blind folded high-wire act when spouses represent different races. Love and hard work triumph over everything else, but things change for partners of different races (whether they want it to or not). I speak from nearly twenty years of experience. People react to you and talk to you differently when they learn that you are in an interracial relationship. Questions are reworded, friends and family and strangers can tiptoe around things like they are prancing about a minefield. Race has dominated American life since its inception and those brave enough to rewrite history deal with different level shit.
It's worth it, but for me (a well-meaning white dude raised in small towns and burbs and enlightened in cities and liberal universities), learning how to be both a husband of value and a worthy ally has come with some stumbles. No matter how many books I've read, classes I've sat through, friends I've made, and conversations I've had, I still don't know what it's like to be treated like an outsider. This means, more often than not, that the best thing I can do is shut up and listen. Really pay attention. If my eyes and ears are open, my mind and heart can be open. It'll never be enough, but again, love and hard work will win.
This poem is part of a collection called White Lies Matter. I recently finished it and if I cannot find a publisher for it, I'm considering turning it into a performance piece. "
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